Typos and grammar slips

• “Suspected to graduate early next year.”
• “Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.”
• “Proven ability to track down and correct erors.”
• “Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.”
• “Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”
• “I am a rabid typist.”
• “Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”
• “Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981.”
• “After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work.”
• “Accounting cleric.”
• “As indicted, I have over five years of experience analysing investments.”
• “Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details.”
• “Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.”

More resume blunders

• “Fired because I fought for lower pay.”
• “Size of employer: Very tall, probably over 6′5″.”
• “Please disregard the enclosed resume - it is terribly out of date.”
• “Finished 8th in my high school graduating class of 10.”
• “Qualifications: No education or experience.”
• “I am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy.”
• “My compensation should be at least equal to my age.”
• “Reason for Leaving: It had to do with the Tax office, Police and Government.”
• “Reason for Leaving: My boss said the end of the world is near.”
• “Reason for Leaving: The owner gave new meaning to the word ‘paranoia.’ I prefer to elaborate privately.”

Bad humour

• “Title: Another resume from the ‘Profiles in Excellence’ series.”
• “Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all others to heat your house.”
• “Also known As: Mr. Productivity, Mr. Clever, Mr. Fix-it.”
• “Assisted in daily preparation of large quantities of consumable items in a fast-paced setting.” (Translation: Short-order cook.)
• “But wait…there’s more. You get all this business knowledge plus a grasp of marketing that is second nature.”
• “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
• “My fortune cookie said, ‘Your next interview will result in a job’- and I like your company in particular.”
• “Trustworthy references available upon request - if I give them a few bucks.”
• “Let’s meet so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ over my experience.”